I had a dream. Just before I woke up. I was with my family, my parents, and we were on a stage in a church, behind the priest who was giving a sermon about a lot of things, but also "the queers". And my dad, in the dream, stood up for me quietly after the sermon was over, and said he thought the priest was wrong. And the other people on the stage (there were quite a few) applauded quietly and he took his angryface off. But then I had the congregation to deal with, and somehow they knew I was gay and as I was walking down the aisle trying to find a place to sit, many of them scooted quickly down their pews away from me. I sat in an empty pew in front of some people... and then I felt hands on my upper arms. a huge man was lifting me up off the ground from behind, and said something to indicate it was a threat. I turned around and had a heated argument with him, quietly because we were all still at church. Saying what I felt like I had to stand up for, that I deserve health care from my spouse's work just like any other american, and I think at some point I made him cry.

Only in dreams... does my dad stand up for me... do people who were threatening my safety and dehumanizing me a moment before actually listen to my story... do I find myself in these situations, actually.

A few days ago I was walking home from Katherine's potluck and a guy pulled over next to me and said "you can come home with me any time baby" I got angry, and glared at him and gave him the middle finger, but he was already driving away before I had a chance to say anything else. Actually now that I think of it I think I did say "fuck you" not quietly, but probably not loudly enough for him to hear over his pick up truck.

Yesterday afternoon at work I was listening to a recording of the original radio broadcast of Orson Welles' War of the Worlds. It was terrifying... not because of the idea of invaders from mars, but because of the descriptions of people being gassed, hunkered down in their home towns waiting to be killed by invaders they had no defense from. Because as I was listening to it I was thinking, this is real. These things happened, happen all the time. We do these things to each other. We kill each other, we somehow think it's acceptable to just... just KILL each other.

To hate each other, by consensus. To dehumanize each other. To kill each other.

I have the idea that people who do this don't think about it. But they do. They think about it a lot. I don't know what kind of quality the thoughts have but there are definitely a lot of them. I feel rather hopeless, and frustrated. When I feel like I'm not being heard, I have the impulse to yell. Maybe everyone does.

Things are cinching up, pulling, rushing, squeeeezing to a head here.

The word of the day is action but I feel lethargic. Even though I did get some very important things done in the morning.

This house... this house has been a haven of depression and lethargy. For weeks and months. I haven't cleaned the house at all. It's disgusting. And Rae has been depressed enough that she doesn't bother me about it, which is even more depressing in a way. I started doing laundry today, and got excited about it - yeah I'll do several more loads! - but decided I should not overdo it with the stairs today because my knee is being bitchy. I should do something about that. Not sure what though.

I have filled up my schedule. I have a schedule now. It's nice. It's a bit intimidating, but really nice. I got most of the scheduling down, all taken care of - now I just have to do the work, do the studying, and show up.

I'm going to graduate in just a couple weeks.

That scares the shit out of me. I have felt for so long that my life is full of comfortingly meaningless things, that graduating would be meaningless, but it's NOT. It's a symbol, for pete's sake, it IS a meaning. I feel like I've been sort of swept along by the tide for a long time, and it's gotten really comfortable, and now I have to propel myself through something. On the other side, what then? I have that planned, too, a bit.

I don't know if I'm ready to be a grownup lady with a college degree. Maybe I'm afraid that it'll make me into a person who has to wear suit jackets and a full face of makeup to work every day.

No, you know why I'm really afraid? It's because this thing, this ceremony imbued with meaning by consensus, isn't going to change much for me. I'm just afraid of being the same person I am now. I want things to CHANGE goddammit, I want things to get better! Not just things. I want to BE better.

I'm really sick and tired of this bullshit.

I spent $30 this morning on getting a truckload of cardboard boxes and bags of paper trash hauled to the recycling center. We missed the trash day. They had been taking the trash on saturday mornings for weeks, even though the official day was friday. I decided to just go with it this week, and they finally got back to taking it on friday morning. So we'll have to figure out what to do with this next week's trash, because our dumpster is full.

This afternoon I woke up from a nap absolutely convinced that Rae had made something involving fried potatoes downstairs. It smelled that strong. But she hadn't.

I've become convinced over the last few months that my sense of smell fluctuates dramatically with my hormonal cycle. I thought at first that I was especially stinky during the days just before my period, but Rae has assured me that this is not so. So I figured it out... I was mistaking some note of my own body odor for that of fried potatoes. I washed my armpits (the soap smelled uncharacteristically flowery) and it mostly subsided. I then went around smelling some familiar things... most things smelled the same, but the isopropyl alcohol, even when I held it under my nose and inhaled deeply and repeatedly, wasn't harsh or stingy at all. Still smelled like isopropyl alcohol, though. WEIRD.

I'm drinking a gigantic mug of hot cocoa. Huge, bigger than a bowl. We got the mugs for two dollars at rite aid. It reminds me of visiting Katherine in Ypsi, a little, only less pressure, less awkwardness, less unhappiness to hide from one another. I put malted milk and peppermints in it.

remember how my new years resolution was "worry less do more"?

I needed to be reminded of that. thank you katherine.

Earlier I was sitting at my computer, desperately wishing for someone to tell me exactly what to do right now so that I wouldn't have to make a decision. It reminded me of Tender Branson's planner in Survivor, which I had been reading. So I went upstairs ostensibly to sleep, but I read instead. For about an hour. Reading makes me feel stronger, more like a person, with interesting things in my head. I need to do it more often.

I set my alarm for 7AM. I know I'm not going to get up that early. I know that when the alarm rings I'll just snooze it until it's really too late to do my arabic homework, because waiting until morning is just a strategy of avoiding it altogether. I've decided not to do that, and, instead, when I'm done drinking this bowl of cocoa, and dealing with the resulting intestinal fallout, I'm going to do my arabic homework. I'll probably panic about five minutes in, and have the impulse to put it away. But I won't. I'll stay up until it's done.

Hey, I totally did it just now. I guess I must have forgotten to post this post... 45 minutes ago.

I was sitting here eating more food than my stomach can comfortably hold, and I had a song stuck in my head. I went searching for it on atunes and it turns out it's "get your snack on" by amon tobin. Heh.

I did not go to the gym with rae like I said I would, like I told her I would, like I told katherine I would. At first I didn't want her to go, because she said she was exhausted, and then... it became scary.

And now I feel worthless.

All I've done today... is...

I took my earrings to the lady at spiral collective.
I emptied the dishwasher.
I made my bed.
I wove for about an hour and a half.
I rearranged the mess in my room and put away some clothes.
I watched an episode of Sailor Moon and made one earring.
I went to the marcus and bought convenience food.
I ate a small bag of pork cracklins and four hot pockets and about 10 york peppermint patties over the course of about 3 hours.

I'm afraid I may have started just eating mindlessly so I don't have to DO things. Isnt' that sad? every evening I find myself with a full, full belly and think, I may never eat again. and the next morning when I start (and I have to, it's not like you can just stop eating and still maintain homeostasis)... I feel like I'm on autopilot. I feel like I'm searching for something I need and it's not there... I keep thinking, if I eat more of this or that, maybe I will get what's MISSING or OBVIOUSLY WRONG into my system, some magic correction of a vitamin deficiency... talking about it like this makes it really obvious that I'm just depressed, and I'm not paying enough attention to my state of mind... or I'm not paying the right kind of attention. That Rae is right, and even if you don't want to at some point, following routines is what grownups do.

I sometimes wonder how people keep on going and living and stuff. Sometimes it's hard to imagine that other people, LOTS of other people, are somehow happy, and are able to cope, and are, if not satisfied with their lives, at least not, I don't know, sad. When I'm sad it's hard to imagine how one "does" happiness.

Maybe the problem isn't that I'm sad... maybe the problem is that i'm WEAK. Is that what most people do? They suck it up and deal with their fears instead of resorting to a cushioning pseudo-apathy which is about giving in and giving up and retreating... do most people live with this, what Pam called it I suppose is dysthymia. DO most people actually feel just like I do, only they just suck it up and deal with it?

How long can you realistically keep going when you have to continuously "suck it up"?

I was weaving and I realized that I won't have enough dyed yarn to finish the warp.

I need to dye more yarn.

For some reason dyeing yarn is one of the things that makes me anxious. Probably because it involved a commitment, it's easy to mess up, and I haven't done it often enough yet. The only solution, as Katherine tells me (for something completely different) is to do it more often.

I have some anxiety producing things, and they have left such a mark on me that I wonder, even if I do get over them and able to function as I wish, will I still have that worry in the back of my mind? that insecurity?

I know the answer to that, to any question like that - the insecurity shrinks, and shrinks, and shrinks until it's just a vestige of its former self, until even if you're not a strong person (which I'm not) you can work around it pretty easily. The part that takes being strong is the early part - the working WITH the insecurity. Working THROUGH it, and not letting it incapacitate you when you go to start something. I do that all the time.

Like I said I'm not a strong person.

Sometimes I sit at home and try to think of excuses not to leave. I think of reasons not to do what I had intended to do, to just go to bed instead. I go to the bathroom, and I come out and I find myself with the choice of the left door or the right door... my bedroom or the studio. and it's SO EASY to just tell myself, "I'm tired" and go left instead of right.

I have been sleeping at least 14 hours a day lately.

I have also been eating more than I really want. I find myself uncomfortably full uncomfortably often. Perhaps this comes with food insecurity. Maybe I'm hibernating. Maybe I'm storing up food in my body for a famine to come. Maybe maybe maybe.

Maybe my pants are too tight. That has a tendency to make me feel like I'm full when I'm not.

I need some new pants.

Or I need to get off my lazy ass and alter some fucking clothes like I've been meaning to for MONTHS. I have piles and piles of clothes in my room that I have plans for that I haven't done a thing with.

Last time I checked (at the doctor's) I weighed 300 pounds. A nice round number. Now I can defend it with myself as an example without feeling like I'm exaggerating.

Also (only somewhat related) Rae and I went to the gym a few days ago and worked on some machines in the women only area for about a half an hour or so. It felt really good, and it was a lot of fun with Rae there with me. It took me about two days before I got REALLY sore. And then yesterday while I was just feeling the soreness (sleeping 14-18 hours per day helps you get sore) Rae asked me if I wanted to go to the gym. NO. It hurts my thigh muscles to go down the stairs. Not that I object to being sore. But I do object to working out while I'm sore. This is okay, though, because she did not insist, because she's reasonable and wonderful and a loving caring person. Also I love Rae. Do I tell you this often enough? Because it's important. It's pervasive in my life. She supports me every day all the time. Just her presence, even when she's too busy to talk, helps me.

Yesterday she asked me if I wanted some tea. I asked her why she was being nice to me (I felt like a shit because I had retracted my offer to go get chinese take out). She said, oh bright green light of my life, I love you so much, and that makes me want to keep being nice to you. When someone says that to me I feel like I don't deserve it... but when she says it, even though sometimes I feel like I don't deserve it, it makes me feel so secure. So loved. I know Rae isn't going to read this, so I suppose I'm just saying to the rest of you (all three of you) that I need her. I've been with her for two and a half years now, and I love her more now than I did when I first knew her. It just keeps getting bigger and bigger. And the reason I know it's real is that not everything's peachy, but it's still there. We keep having arguments and pissing each other off over little things and big things because we're both PEOPLE and we still love the hell out of one another. Sometimes I wonder if I tell her that often enough. I stopped wondering if I was worthy of her a long time ago. It's a moot point. We're stuck together and there's no negotiating it now.

This is so much better than how I thought it'd be.

I really should be cooking something.

I'm sure that if I worked hard enough on it, I could have something for the potluck by 11.

But I'm not going to because I feel a bit insecure about our food.

I feel like we should keep it all for ourselves.

I promised a large chunk of money to spend on a certain thing or two, and the money hasn't come yet and i'm already feeling the crunch...

and I am late on some payments. Creditors have been calling. I just have to do some paperwork to make it go away but they intimidate me.

Rae asked me if I was going to start my period soon, yesterday when I was apologizing for something with this hunched up posture. I looked at my cell phone. Yeah, probably! She can tell what part of my cycle I'm in, apparently, by how shrunken and despondent I look.

There are things I need to do that can't be done until Tuesday. Ordinarily it would be tomorrow, but this time there's a holiday that most people won't associate with Dr. King's connections with socialism at all. Except probably the UU church. Oh 1st UU. I'm going to go to a service in about an hour now. And then all sorts of other things will be happening.

Jareth climbs on my lap, settles down, and starts biting my arm intermittently.

Rae is sick with some sort of nose and throat thing. It's probably coming for me next.

My laundry pile is huge.

I'm so predictable. In about a week, when my period starts, I'll spend a day in a drugged stupor (to avoid a day in horrendous pain) and then after that, though still in pain, I will find myself SO MUCH more functional. Right now this pisses me off. grrr.

Sometimes if I get into a groove I just want to weave and weave all day.

Also my body has apparently decided that it's going to be time to get up and eat breakfast every day at 6:30 AM. My stomach gets all acidy to the point where there's not really an option but to give it something to "chew" on. This is inconvenient, because if I want to get 8 straight hours of sleep on that schedule, I'll probably never see Rae again ever. I think it's mostly because Gwen wakes me up at 6:30 in the morning to go to her litter box, and then I lay in bed thinking about what kind of food I'm going to make that day.

I just made red beans and rice from a lipton packet. It expired in September but I think that all that did was that the rice didn't get as soft as it should have. I ate it all, which was probably too much. It's sitting in my stomach like a rock. I have had this bad habit of eating more than I really want, lately. I need to get in better touch with my appetite, so I don't end up overfull so often.

Also I think that a kernel of unpopped popcorn is an excellent toy for a cat who has a tendency to eat non-food items, because it really IS a food item, it's only MASQUERADING as a non-food item so that it's fun for him to play with and bat around on the floor.

I have to start studying Arabic. I have this idea that if I get into the habit of OVERDOING it, that is, studying every day all the time, maybe it won't be so terrifying. It's like so many things in my life. Once I'm doing it, it's okay, I can deal with it, even have fun, but planning it, anticipating it, makes me panic. It seems that I can only get important things done if I do them on a whim.

Perhaps that's what my new year's resolution should be about.

WORRY LESS. DO MORE.

How can I implement this?

Any suggestions?

hello livejournal. I haven't talked to you in a while.

I am about to embark on a new idea. It is making me nervous, but I'm guessing that has a lot to do with the fact that my menses are on their way.

In a few days I'll be going to my parents' house for christmas. Just before then I'll go to the bank to get a check for rent. It'll completely wipe out my checking account and anything it doesn't take I'm getting in cash so I can buy food without accidentally overdrafting. On December 30 the loan I applied for will disburse, and a few days after that I'll have access to the money Wayne State doesn't take. Until then I'll basically be eating out of the pantry. It'll make me feel a little antsy and a little insecure but I probably won't turn into a meanerton like Rae does when there's no cheese in the house.

So I'm going to my parents' house. I don't have presents for ANYONE. No one at all. I'm going to make some chocolate pretzel things at my parents' house with materials they purchased, to bring to my grandparents' house, but that's it. I feel pretty terrible about it. Also I didn't finish the project I was working on for Rae's stepdad, and now I am thinking about how that might affect my ability to pay the rent..........

also the blanket for Katie is not done. I'm determined to at least have it off the loom by the time my parents get here. This will require a lot of work and a lot of time in the studio. What do you want to bet my period will start at some inconvenient time again?

After I get home from my parents' house, next monday, I'm going to clean and clean and clean and clean the house, and study up on my Arabic. What will probably happen is that I'll play a lot of video games, get some cleaning done, play and nap with the cats, weave, and hang around the house being sad that Rae is not there.

Then I'll get money. Money will come. And what will I do with it? Oooooh. So many things. I think the thing I'm most excited about is casually going out to eat, and slowly enjoying a solitary delicious meal while studying Arabic or reading a novel for like two hours. I really like lingering over a meal and having something to read while I eat. I will also buy convenience food for our house. At the point when I get money, it'll be time to go to class, so I'll be studying my ass off, because that's the only way I'm not going to fail the class (for the third time). I'm excited about it.

The thing I'm getting to is that I'm hoping to spend a LOT of time in the next semester WEAVING and producing a lot of stuff to sell. I'm hoping against hope that I'll be able to make some money doing it. I don't know how that will go. Wish me luck.

I feel loved when...

The Five Love Languages

My Primary Love Language is Quality Time

<th colspan="2">My Detailed Results:</th>

Quality Time:	10
Words of Affirmation:	7
Receiving Gifts:	6
Physical Touch:	5
Acts of Service:	2

About this quiz

Unhappiness in relationships is often due to the fact that we speak different love languages. It can be helpful to know what language you speak and what language those around you speak.

Tag 3 people so they can find out what their love language is.

Take the Quiz!
Check out the Book

I'm sore.

I'm sitting at my love's desk, where I will not sit when she is awake because it is her space. I am eating a thing which is mostly powdered sugar, but which also contains peanut butter and cocoa powder and milk and butter, and is the consistency of fudge. My upper back, shoulders, neck, are sore and achey. I have a song running through my head that won't go away and it's kind of annoying now. My teeth are dirty. I am wearing a purple shirt and flip flops. I am tired but not sleepy yet.

I have an odd sort of pride in my job at the home of freaky fast sandwiches. I get short shifts, and that's okay because I don't have much stamina for being on my feet. I sort of know what I'm doing now, and there are so many people there who are newer than me. I get the feeling that people keep coming and going around me because a lot of the time I have scarcely met people before I never see them again. Half the time I'll be wrapping sandwiches and the person pulling meat next to me will be on their third or fourth day. I feel like, even though I've only been working there for a month and a half or so, I'm not really one of the new ones anymore. I'm not one of the old ones, either, though, because I don't know how to use the slicer.

I hear my Rae yawning upstairs. I wonder if she can hear me typing, or if she's asleep.

I'm drinking water. It is very important to drink water. I have gotten dehydrated before without quite knowing what's happening. It's scary how easy it is to do that.

It's raining outside on my bicycle. I can't bring it inside because it's deadly for the cats.

It's windy and leaves are moving outside the window.

I really want to take a tylenol 3. This is bad because, while it'd help me get to sleep, and make the back pain go away, that's not the only reason I want to take one. I want to take one because it just makes me feel good and peaceful, and that sounds really appealing when my neck is threatening to seize up and all of my parts ache in different ways. I'm supposed to be saving the tylenol 3's for the first day of my period, though. This is my conundrum - I can't take regular anti-inflammatories like naproxen and ibuprofen, because they make my guts catch fire. Acetaminophen and aspirin do nothing for muscle aches. Tylenol 3 has codeine in it. It's addictive.

I have to go now.

Today I walked barefoot in the rain, with my sandals in a plastic bag, keeping my upper 3/4 dry under my lovely giant rainbow umbrella. A summer torrential downpour, it was exactly the right temperature for walking barefoot through. I took a leisurely half hour to get to work where I ordinarily would have taken much less time, because I was enjoying myself quite a lot. You don't get to splash in puddles when you know it'll make your feet really uncomfortable - but when you don't have any shoes on, it's just a little temporary damp. Feet dry off way quicker than shoes.

( I had a scary dream last night. )

I have things I need to do, but they're not very scary. I feel relatively functional as of late.

I have eaten way too much cake today. It is giving me a stomach ache. I need to curb my impulse, whenever there is free food, to eat as much of it as I can. The impulse is founded in the fear that I might not be able to afford to feed myself, but it has dire consequences, such as tummy aches!

I'm not quite sure what's going to be happening soon, but I do pretty much know what's going on now, and that's good enough for me to be able to enjoy my life a bit.

I find that everything I do, all my moods, my motivation to be alive, everything, hinges on what time of the month it is.

Right now I'm just coming off of the first few days of my period, and I feel relatively motivated. I feel like I could turn my life around. I feel like I could get everything cleaned up in the house, I could do all my laundry by hand, I could cuddle with the kitties all day and I could make things again.

Three days ago I barely wanted to get out of bed. For the previous week I had been hardly able to function. Food seemed uninteresting and I ate it mindlessly. I forgot to brush my teeth for four days. I didn't leave the house, didn't even put on clothes for most of the time.

Really what I need to do is set up some habits - not a whole lot at once, just a few, like showering and brushing my teeth every night - that will keep going even though I feel like shit. Maybe if I can keep up on my personal grooming it'll make it easier to deal with things.

It seems doable right now. But I don't know how I'll feel about it in another month.

oh livejournal.

First:( the internet is made of cats )

I've been making things, cleaning things, menstruating, worrying my ass off, being lazy about everything, applying for jobs, and going through my music collection listening to things I've never heard before but somehow have on my computer.

I'm making a giant doily for the floor. I got sick of watching movies by myself. I cleaned the next-to-my-bed spot in my room today. Swept it and everything. Very satisfying.

Trying to make sourdough bread, but I'm afraid it's going to turn out rancid. Doesn't smell very nice. I think I'll make another batch of regular bread if it turns out nasty, because we're out of bread except for the expired bread which I will make into bread pudding.

Jobless still. I feel myself becoming significantly less in shape as days go by where I don't leave the house. I'm used to walking at least a mile a day to get to work. If there's no reason to do it I don't do it, but maybe I should change that so that when I need to walk a lot I can.

I'm doing laundry. That's good right?

Making cinnamon rolls from scratch without a recipe is easy if you already know a couple things. These things are:

how to make bread dough without a recipe (after you get used to making bread dough a lot the recipe just seems superfluous) and how to knead bread dough

how to tell when your bread dough has risen enough and if you let it go longer it might fall

how to melt butter in the microwave without burning it

how to make frosting of some sort

how to tell when something based on yeast dough is done cooking.

make bread dough. let it rise once. knead it, let it rest. grease a deep pan with butter. take some butter in a bowl and melt it. mix in a lot of cinnamon and sugar until it's grainy but spreadable. stretch the dough out into a big rectangle. Spread the sugar mixture over the rectangle, leaving about an inch free at one side. roll it up. cut it into slices and arrange them in the pan. leave it to rise in a cold closed oven until they look big enough. turn on the oven to 350 degrees and check on it once in a while. at 350 degrees you'll know they're done before they burn. and if you let them rise in the oven, you don't have to move them after they've risen, making it less likely that they'll fall.

make frosting. I like buttercream. take equal small amounts of butter and milk, about 1-2 tbsp, and melt together in the microwave. add some vanilla and a lot of powdered sugar until it's the consistency you want.

frost the cinnamon rolls as soon as they're out of the oven. serve them a few minutes later, after the cinnamon filling stops bubbling. Depending on how long they were in, you might get some delicious caramelized sugar on the bottom of the pan.

I guess that's a lot of things. maybe I'm just trying to convince you and myself that I'm actually awesome. I kind of need convincing lately, being unemployed and broke and having a dirty house.

p.s. if you make these for your lover they will be all happy and it will make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside. unless they are allergic to cinnamon or something. the happy-making is nicer than the cinnamon rolls themselves.

so last friday I learned that I no longer have a job. It was okay because I didn't like the job. Since then I've been looking. I got into this contract work doing street canvassing, trying to get people to call senators about environmental stuff. I'm worried I'm not cut out for it but that's a worry I always seem to have when I start a new job. I actually seem to be alright at it but I just couldn't find anyone to talk to today, seeing as it was raining and raining outside and I had not made a very good plan to go somewhere where there might be people.

I'm afraid I might be bad at it because of my introvertedness but I seem to be able to deal with it. Also I feel significantly better about doing this type of work than I did about importing cheaply made goods from china to sell to Americans.

I was going to put some art into a trumbullplex show but it hasn't happened - I might be able to sell some stuff at the craft fair next weekend. I have been making things and making things. I have talked to a couple yarn stores about teaching classes, and I have talked to City Bird about selling jewelry, and so it seems like I have been busy busy. I feel pretty damn good about myself right now, even though I'm in danger of being unable to pay rent very soon.

Rae got me some very high quality nail polish of the exact shade of green which is me on the inside and of which I currently have enough clothes to make a full load of laundry. I have painted my fingernails with it, which is something I have not done in years. I look quite snazzy.

Tomorrow it will be rainy, but I will go to the eastern market, and I will ask people to write letters to their senators. It may or may not actually work. Wish me luck.

So today I walked out of work because I couldn't stop crying. I tried to stop for about a half an hour, in and out of the bathroom. I explained to one of my (female) superiors about the PMDD. And then I went home, still unable to calm down, fully expecting to be fired.

Turns out my employers are awesomer than that. Certain things are still up in the air but I'm not fired. I might even be getting an accommodation of 2 days off per month to deal with it.

So yeah. Even though it's not my calling it's still a pretty damn good job. I tell myself that I need to work at a library, and I do, but I won't be able to until the job comes around... and until then I have this. It's a lot of money. I'm tempted to buy all those things I've been holding off on, like 9 pounds of cotton yarn and 50 dollars worth of procion dye, but I really should save some dollars because there's no telling how long this will last. And I might have to pay for rent over the summer by myself, depending on what happens with Rae's trip to Ecuador.

I feel like I just got hired all over again. I feel like I might not deserve this. But this time of the month, I usually don't feel like I deserve anything except to be beaten unconscious, except probably without the unconscious part because that would be merciful and actually cater to my desires, which is not something I deserve. I know that's not how it really is. But that's how it feels just now.

So my head hurts from crying, my eyeballs feel like they're going to fall out, I humiliated myself in front of my coworkers, but at least I still have a job.

Sometimes I worry. About things. I should stop.

I have made as much money at this new job in less than a week as I used to make at my old job in two weeks. I should remember that and not get upset about all my free time that I used to have disappearing. I am so busy all the time these days, and one day seems to blend into the next...

Sometimes I think it's good for me. I have enough to occupy me that I don't get worried or panicky or anything. But maybe it's not. Maybe it's bad for me. Especially for the creative part of me.

I have to work on Saturday. I don't know if I get paid overtime.

arrrgh.

So now I apparently have a full time job. I worked for two hours this afternoon and it's the hardest job I've ever done. I'm basically in charge of taking a monstrous quantity of communication from various sources, making it coherent by rewriting it or writing it down, and sending it where it needs to go - and I don't know any of the people I need to be communicating with yet. There's so much to do that I don't know how I'll ever handle it all. I suppose I need to get really good at delegating.

I panicked in the bathroom. I told the guy who hired me that I might not be good enough. He reassured me and told me he thought I was talented enough for this job and that he wanted to hire me and that I should stay. Probably the best treatment I could possibly hope for from an employer. I'm still a bit panicky. I think I'll be panicking in the bathroom a lot in the next few weeks.

BUT. I'll be making more money than I ever have before in my life. With benefits. And eventually I'll get used to it a bit, and then I'll feel like a badass. And I'll be able to pay down my loans and put some money into savings. Like a grownup!

And I don't think I'll hate the job. It's kind of hectic, sure, and it'll take me a while to get up to speed, but everyone there seems really nice, and I don't think I could ask for a better deal.

I'm kind of afraid that I'll blow it. But I probably won't. People keep telling me that I'm capable of doing the job, and I believe them, but I also kind of want to curl into the fetal position.

things seem to sort of be flying by around me. It is spring break, which just means that I don't have to feel bad about my habit of doing absolutely nothing for my classes. I have a sprained ankle which is on the mend (itches like a motherfucker) and a swollen, painful tonsil that woke me up last night (which I hope goes away on its own), a vaguely possible new job on the line (which I really, really hope I get) and a house which is slightly cleaner than it used to be, but still not quite up to snuff. I have been feeling like I might be able to start weaving again (I couldn't when my ankle was really bad this weekend, treadles you know), I need to go get a desk for Rae (have been needing to do this for a while) and I have a sewing machine set up in the studio now (it's a beautiful shiny pale green enameled antique table machine) so I can make clothes again. Things are looking up in a way. I feel like it would be easiest for me to try to leave a lot of things behind this spring. I get bogged down in a to-do list that's miles long. I don't know if I CAN do all of it. Fewer goals sounds like a cop-out but I think it will be more like spring cleaning.

Pathologization. I can afford it for the moment. Maybe not forever.

Riding my bicycle does wonders. I am really smelly right now, and greasy, so I'm going to have to take a shower when I get home, and that will probably do wonders too.

Visiting my parents' house always leaves me feeling really fucked up about everything for a few days. It's bad for me. I'm good for them and they're bad for me. Yeah, they've turned into a roiling dysfunctional unit again. It's irritating. I love them and I wish I could stop.

Taking a shower, doing some work, and riding my bicycle should help me feel better. Tomorrow I have a lunch date with some aunts and a cousin. I get to show off my weaving. I'm going to weave my ass off tonight so I can finish the two scarves that are on the loom. Depending on how energetic I'm feeling I might even warp it up again. My dad got me a warping stool, which I need to fix before I use, but it's ideal because it's low, sturdy and butt-shaped.

It is starting to feel like it might be getting towards spring. This is amazing.

I'm falling down that slide again, the one where I forget about school. This time I think I can handle it though. I've got organizational tools coming out my ass.

Rae is having a hard time because she's got to deal with more things than any human should have to deal with. She thinks she's just weak, because other people have it worse, and I just think that other people who have it worse are either really unlucky or unaware that there's any alternative. Protestant work ethic be damned, I don't think people should have to lead lives of continuous struggle to uphold the status quo. Especially my girlfriend.

Lately I have been against toil and struggle. I am against unhappiness on principle. I don't think there's anything morally righteous about wearing yourself to a thread to fulfill expectations that are too high, and I think that the institutions that make these ridiculous expectations the norm annoy the shit out of me.

I feel like I'm all scattered now. I had a Direction a while ago, but now I'm waiting (at the very least) to go to grad school, and my weaving obviously isn't going to make me rich. when's the last time I picked a type of craft and stuck with it, really? I'm afraid that weaving might go the way of jewelry making, just a distant memory and occasional hobby.

I feel like i'm too scattered to even make a convincing stab at a Career. I think the best i can hope for is a Job at this point. I'm not sure how that makes me feel. I think it's absolutely normal, even a lucky thing to get a job, but people have always been telling me that I'm going to be super awesome smarty pants lady and I'll get five degrees and travel the world and do what I love for a handsome living and I know that's not going to happen but being in school helped me sustain a corner of that illusion for a while. And now that I'm about to stop doing my Deferment activity it seems like I've accomplished nothing that couldn't be described as "fucking around".

And that's the thing. I've got craft supplies coming out my ass. I have some of the skills to use them effectively. No one gives a shit. I've never done anything with all my TALENT that everyone seems to think I have. I keep doing little things like making sushi or making a scarf and people say I'm TALENTED. Perhaps the only place where TALENT is useful is in winning a TALENT SHOW. Oh damn look everyone how impressive I am. I can do useless shit all day long.

because it only results in more things. things. things are not important. the things i make anyway.

Rae is asleep. She said it was just going to be a nap. I'm not going to wake her up because she really, really needs to sleep. Also I'm probably going to go to bed soon anyways.

I want to weave. There doesn't seem to be time. Every time I have time, Rae is asleep and I'm afraid that the noises will wake her up. My loom is pretty noisy. Satisfyingly so. Oh how I miss it.

Rae didn't want me to clean the kitchen because it was my birthday, but I did it anyway because I thought she was going to get up and want to cook, and her cooking is awesome and I like to encourage it, so I sliced up all the mushrooms as well. It looks as though she's going to sleep through the night now though. I keep hallucinating the sound of her alarm clock. I have this bad tendency to hallucinate the sound of wake-up alarms - mine or hers - in white noise. It kind of messes with me when I'm trying to go to sleep.

Tomorrow afternoon will have to be Kitchen Time. I have to clean out the fridge, Rae has to organize the spices (we have a whole cupboard full of dried seasonings, it's awesome, everything we make tastes wonderful) and we both have to make a sizeable volume of food to last the week, because neither of us has time to cook during the week. Rae has way too much work for a human to be doing. She barely gets any sleep. I work 20 hours and I'm taking 10 credit hours, all of which happens within four days out of the week - but they're arranged so that between the start and the end of my day is about 11-12 hours. It's a little awkward.

I would like to finish this stupid degree and get a fucking job. I wonder if there's a job to be had.

Well, now I'm officially in my mid-20s.

I'm engaged to Rae. I know, right? I proposed to her out of the blue, while we were sitting in the living room hanging around with no bras on. We haven't made any plans to actually have a wedding yet. But we're going to get married. CRAZY. Really it's just an excuse to have a big party all about how much we love each other.

I've been doing this experiment where I've been keeping the bathroom and the kitchen clean at the very minimum. This is a big change for me but it's going pretty damn well, and it helps to sort of smooth the way with Rae when she's really stressed out. Except tonight I'm going to leave the kitchen, and stay up really late, and maybe Rae will do it tomorrow morning before I wake up, for my birthday. Actually the real motivation of not cleaning up the kitchen right now is that the dishwasher JUST finished a load and emptying it right now would hurt my hands because the dishes will still be all hot. I did clean and reorganize my computer desk today though. And now there's an empty flat surface right in front of me, taunting me.

Rae made matzo ball soup just a couple hours ago. It was delicious. I've been doing relatively a lot of cleaning, but Rae has been doing more cooking than me. Which, it turns out, isn't that much even so. Both of us like to cook occasionally - I think she does more than I do - but a lot of the time it seems like we don't have time to make anything fancy. I want to make bread though... I wonder if I could make some cinnamon rolls and have them ready for the morning. Maybe I can make some quickbread cinnamon rolls and leave them in the fridge with a note to Rae to put them in the oven when she gets up. If I do that the dishes might get cool enough to put away, and then I can clean up the kitchen before bed.

It's like I'm turning into a grownup or something. AAAAH!

Chai wheat muffins with butter and buckwheat honey.

I am feeling well enough to cook now. This is amazing.